This just seems like a cruel joke now. I don’t know why it’s taking so long for me to conceive this baby. I wish I could be one of those women who went on and on about how grateful they are for the process, but I can’t do that! I’m not going to be all smiles and profess how thankful I am when there is nothing more exhausting and heart-wrenching than trying to conceive a baby. I HATE TTC. I’m tired of being told to “have fun” while making a baby. It’s NOT fun. But hey! Maybe that’s why I’m not pregnant yet. I’m so focused on timed sex and cervical mucus that I don’t enjoy good old fashioned sex anymore. I love my significant other, and I do enjoy my time with him…but this is bigger than both of us. I can’t have sex anymore without thinking of it possibly leading to a baby.
A few days ago, I read a blog post about how infertility has turned her into an asshole. While I’m not swimming in the struggles of infertility quite yet, I found the article to be quite relateable. I get pissy every time I stumble upon a pregnancy announcement on Facebook, which seems to be at least once per week. Even those who I know were struggling too. Of course, I say my “congrats”, but it’s made me cold and bitter. I remind myself that I would want these same people to be happy for me, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty for asking “what about me, God?“and “how come she can have a baby, but I can’t?”
So, you can guess what the results are this month, I’m sure. I’m not pregnant.
I’m moving on to cycle #6.
Half a year.
I hope that this is it. I need this to be it.
Other TTC-related posts: