Nothing prepares you for losing a child. Regardless of when you lose a baby, it’s a unique pain that crushes your entire being.
On April 3rd, I found out that I lost my sweet third baby due to a blighted ovum. Some would say that I didn’t lose anything. That a baby was never there. I disagree. I lost a pregnancy I knew about for two months. I lost hopes and dreams. I lost Bella and Juliana’s little sibling. I lost my third child.
Yes, maybe I can get pregnant again someday (although I know all too well that’s not a guarantee), but I wanted THAT baby and THAT pregnancy.
I’ve been told that I should be happy with the miracle baby that I have. My sadness over miscarrying my third does not negate my happiness and unconditional love for Juliana, the baby I tried so long for. I looked forward to seeing them interact and form a close bond. By the time I was coming to terms that I would have two children 13 months apart, it was all over. Poof. Dreams up in smoke.
I’ve been told that at least it happened early. Although I refuse to take part in pain olympics or attempt to place my hurt on a trauma hierarchy, I can’t even imagine how difficult (read: emotionally impossible) it must be to deliver a baby born sleeping or to lose a baby shortly after birth. However, my pain is still real. The grief is still real.
I’ve been told that I lost this baby because I conceived so shortly after giving birth to Juliana, as if the miscarriage is my fault. I don’t blame myself. There’s nothing I could have done to change the outcome. Regardless of what I KNOW to be true, it still hurts to hear someone insinuate that this miscarriage was preventable, and I’m the reason why baby didn’t grow and thrive.
Some might say that my baby was too small to change my world at all, but that couldn’t be any further from the truth. My baby may have only been in my belly for two months, but they’ll be forever in my heart.
I don’t bring up my miscarriage for sympathy or pity. I just wanted everyone to know that my baby did exist, and my baby did mean everything to me.